I wanted to write a book about my last break-up, but by the time I had processed most of it I realised there was no story to tell that hadn’t been told before. Every word I would write would end up sounding like a big old cliché, because that’s exactly what it was. There’s nothing original about a break-up. Everyone has felt that wrenching pain, and everyone has thought “this will never go over”.
Spoiler: it will
We often feel like the deep, deep feeling of sadness we feel must be a proof of our deep, deep love to a person, when in truth it’s not always the lost love that causes the most pain, it’s our hurt ego. I’m not saying love is a myth and heartbreaks are silly delusions (well maybe a little bit), but in my opinion a lot of pain could be avoided by doing a little damage control. Some feelings are simply easier to neutralise by using your brain rather than your emotional instinct.
There are different stages of a break-up. I will use one of my favourite jazz albums of all time, (in)appropriately titled “Love Supreme”, by John Coltrane to name the different stages of a break up.
1. Acknowledgment
This is the first stage of a breakup. During that time, you will need to adapt to this new situation and let everything sink in. It’s important to create a new environment for yourself, a safe place. You can have a cry fest and binge-watch a romantic movies (PS: NEW POST TO COME WITH MY TOP MOVIES ABOUT LOVE!), but don’t let yourself get sucked into your own suffering. Avoid isolating yourself and find friends you can rely on which can give you the support you need or just keep you occupied. Finally, the most important thing is not to trigger yourself by reading old texts, stalking your ex on Facebook or listening to the songs that make you think of him/her. Try self-control, I promise you it’s very rewarding.
2. Resolution
If you’re still writing love letters to your ex or doing a list of all the ways you could get revenge by now, stop it. Now is the time to accept the reality of the situation: your relationship has ended and you need to get over it. Redecorate your apartment, party until dawn or focus on your career: whatever your thing is, do it. Try to refocus on yourself and the things you love (except your ex!). When I suddenly became single after a long relationship, I had completely forgotten how to do things just for me. I lived alone for the first time and suddenly it didn’t matter what food I ate, or if the apartment was clean, because no one was there to share it with me. I had to re-learn to enjoy doing things just for me.
3. Pursuance
Now you might think this stage is superfluous, but it’s actually crucial. Why? Because in my experience, when you start feeling better after a while there is often a backlash. It’s the same as when you stop smoking, at first your body goes into survival mode, your only focus is getting through the day. However, once the worst is over and you start feeling a bit more optimistic, you start to let your guard down and suddenly you’re standing drunk outside a bar with a cigarette in your hand. A breakup is quite similar. You can go from feeling like the world is yours, to hysterically crying because of a song on the radio that made you think of that one time he made fun of your belly button. You just need to push on and remind yourself why you broke up, over and over again.
4. Psalm
The final stage of absolution. But when are you really over someone? I don’t know. The appropriate question here is rather: when are you really over a breakup? When you stop feeling that twinge of regret when you think about your ex? When you can finally wear that dress he got you again? When you fall in love again? There are many symbolic milestones, each story has its own. To me it was seeing my ex again without my heart beating like it was about to explode. It sounds stupid, but had I listened to myself a couple of months earlier I never would have thought it was possible. I was genuinely and entirely convinced I was never going to get over our failed love story. I did.
There is no secret remedy for a heartache, but with a pinch of rationality, self-control and patience you will heal beautifully and be ready for… even more pain and deception!
YAY!!!
the caterpillar 